I am beside myself as I am realizing and admitting this. The many years I have spent seeking some sort of legitimacy were also spent in complete neglect of who I honestly was.
When I say I am beside myself, I mean it. This incredible realization oddly enough came as an overwhelming sensation, a weight lifted off my heart and some kind of relief. After so much time spent in torment and agony, I was forced to accept that I have constantly and bluntly been lying to myself and others. I am not who I thought I was. I was who I wanted people to believe I now am. In my search for a meaningful life, I have desperately held onto untrue rhetorics and it finally occurred to me, that I was seeking shelter in the perception I thought I wanted people to see me by while neglecting the one I truly wanted to be seen for.
I have been stuck in self-righteousness making myself believe I was acting out of compassion and empathy. I trusted that I was a genuine person but somehow never found the courage to share myself wholeheartedly due to the constructed barriers I chose to surround my heart with. I justified my behavior and actions by believing that being guarded would allow me to remain grounded and in full control of my emotions as well as my environment. In this practice, I was very diligent and committed to finding the next “project” I could take on as a distraction from what I was not yet ready to hone. This scheme often came in the form of a relationship whether with a friend or a chosen one. I loved to help — broken — people, only because I believed that if I could find a way to assist them in solving their worries, issues, or flaws then I would find purpose. Forgetting to acknowledge that this attempt at discovering my mission was contingent upon someone else’s afflictions.
I truly am of selfless nature, but in this approach, I quickly became selfish and unaware of the unrealistic expectations I was placing on my surroundings as well as myself. My rebuttal was strictly driven by the fear of being viewed and judged for my inaptitudes, so I hid away and delved headfirst into affairs that I thought I could tackle and help fix in the hopes of growing into my best version. There was, however, one factor I was not privy to, every project has a completion or due date. And what happens then? The work is done, not because the problem is fixed but because either your partner or yourself has chosen to walk away and give up on themselves or you. Now, you can feel your self-worth diminishing and your compassion dwindling because you have convinced yourself that your intentions were pure and honest. You feel deceived, emotionally drained, and, bitter only because you were not able to succeed at discovering a path that would help heal your own sufferings.
This is my truth but I know that many of us may share the same sentiments and insecurities. We try to convince ourselves that in our selflessness we could never become selfish because we are intentionally driven by faith and the need for service but in reality, while others are willing to expose parts of themselves they may be struggling with, will you be able to embrace them for who they are, as they are and let go of your preconceived notions of who they can or should be, based on your own assumption? Can you hold accountability for your self-serving theories and make room to accept them as they simply are.
The reason why this may be difficult for many of us is that we often subconsciously see ourselves as being more stable, more healthy, more successful…overall better than others. Not out of disregard for their identities or struggles, but as a means of coping with our own imperfections. One obvious thought that should be emphasized is that we only judge others on their issues because it provides us comfort. Identifying their deficiencies forces us to look at our own, and subsequently, we become critical of their lacks and therefore ours. They become our mirror and that scares us as it brings back insecurities that may be buried or laying at the surface. In order to accept ourselves wholly, we must accept others as they are without placing expectations on their actions or behaviors. After all, we are all flawed and in need of guidance on some level or another, hence the popularity of mentors, coaches, and gurus even.
Finding default in others is robbing ourselves of living in compassion and therefore weakening our ability to receive from their overflow and truly give in the same amount. We should not seek for flaws in those with whom we choose to intentionally align but find wisdom in their predicaments, as oftentimes we can relate with them on a level that is beyond physical.
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Thank you for reading.
